Danny and Cleopatra
by Charadrius
Summary: Danny Sexbang and Ninja Brian travel to Egypt 2,000 years ago so that Danny can make love to Cleopatra, but the two get more than they bargained for when other people threaten to ruin their sexy times! It's a musical Ninja Sex Party adventure!
1. Act 1 - The Back-in-Time Song

Author's Note: This is a story based upon the _characters_ of Danny Sexbang and Ninja Brian, not the people behind them! I love those guys, but not _that_ much!

 _ **Danny and Cleopatra**_

…

 **ACT 1**

…

On one extraordinarily fine day, two legendary heroes were hanging out at their house, watching movies on their giant flat-screen TV.

There was Danny Sexbang, the greatest and handsomest lover the world had ever seen (or, at least he thought). And there was his best friend and psychopath Ninja Brian. He didn't talk much, but his actions spoke louder than words, and by actions, I mean he killed a lot of people.

"Ninja Brian, could you please pass the popcorn?" Danny asked, only to have the bowl thrown at his head. Popcorn went everywhere. Sighing, Danny turned to find Ninja Brian flicking him off.

"Thanks Brian." Danny turned back to the movie, picking popcorn form his bushy hair and eating it.

They were watching a really old movie, _Cleopatra_ starring Elizabeth Taylor, who Danny thought was super hot.

"Goddamn Brian, just look at that woman! She's beautiful!" Danny commented, placing his hands on his chin and blushing. Ninja Brian simply nodded in response.

"Come to think of it, I bet Cleopatra was pretty hot herself. That's what everyone says." Danny continued, "too bad she's been dead for like, thousands of years."

Ninja Brian turned to Danny, cocking an eyebrow.

"Oh, only 2,000 years? Gotcha." Danny replied. "Still, that's a long fuckin' time."

Just then, Danny had a brilliant idea!

"Hey Ninja Brian, I have a brilliant idea!" Danny exclaimed, making the previous narration redundant.

With a slickness only Danny Sexbang knew, he whipped out his blue electric guitar.

 _A long time ago is not too far, when you're a powerful fuck machine,_

 _Got my eyes set on an ancient girl; let's go visit the Egyptian queen!_

 _She'll fall in love with me, and my charm, and all of my sexy appeal._

 _I'll expose my chest and flex, and she'll wanna have sex, and I'll definitely make her squeal!_

 _(Let's go! WOO!)_

Danny and Ninja Brian run into their backyard, where their time-machine/space-ship is resting.

 _This is the Back-In-Time Song, we're going to the world of the past,_

 _To see the hotties of old and the beauties of gold; we're gonna find some ass to blast!_

 _Ninja Brian, hold that thought, I know you're probably doubting this plan,_

 _But someone's sitting on a throne, getting his dick blown, and his name has gotta be Dan!_

 _(That's me! YEAH!)_

The two enter the time-machine ship and prepare to set a course for Egypt. Ninja Brian sets the coordinates for 48 BC. Danny starts the engines, pushes the thrust, and soon the ship launches out into space, at the speed of Brian!

 _It's a magical, sex-filled adventure, full of mystery and danger and a whole lot of banging._

 _History might be changed forever; yeah that doesn't matter, 'cause my emotions are panging._

 _Don't worry Ninja Brian, you'll have plenty to do: you can pick a fight or commit a crime!_

 _We can do whatever we like, or whoever we like, because we're going back in time!_

 _Back in time!_

 _Back in time!_

 _Back in time!_

 _YEAH!_

Just as Danny finished his final note, the ship landed next to a massive sand dune. They had arrived in Ptolemaic Egypt! The air may have been thirst-quenchingly hot and the land eye-scratchingly dusty, but Danny didn't care about any of that shit, because he had one thing on his mind.

"Well, we made it! Egypt, 5,000 years ago!" Danny exclaimed!

Ninja Brian smacked him on the shoulder.

"AH! Right, right, 2,000 years ago."

Dan and Brian surveyed the area and noticed a large city in the distance, along the banks of a river flanked with green plants. It was the Nile!

"Oh wow, this must be the Nile!" Danny happily proclaimed, once again shitting on the work of the narrator. "You know what they say, all roads lead to the Nile! Or something of that nature."

Ninja Brian rolled his eyes and the two made their way down to the river. It was very sandy and Danny found himself struggling to trudge through the sand, while Ninja Brian felt no discomfort. He was a ninja after all, difficult was his middle name. Or was his middle name 'fucking'?

"GASP. So. Much. Sand! Let's take a breather over at that shack." Danny suggested. Reluctantly, Ninja Brian followed Danny over to a small stone structure by the river. There was a dock nearby, with a small boat will of clothing. The two stood by the front-door, under an overhanging shade.

As Danny pulled open his spandex sleeves to release the sand, Ninja Brian heard a small rustling from inside and stealthily crawled in through an open window. Danny shook out the last of the sand from his sneakers when he heard a rapid stabbing sound followed by a 'HURK' yell. Oh damn, not even five minutes in Ptolemaic Egypt and already Ninja Brian has killed someone.

"Oh Ninja Brian, you just couldn't help yourself could you." Danny opened the door to find Ninja Brian beside a large, muscular, and now deceased man. He appeared to have been holding a large tan laundry bag. Ninja Brian simply shrugged, clearly smiling under his mask.

"He was a big one." Danny scratched his head. "Oh well, stick him somewhere because we gotta get going."

Suddenly, the bag started moving. Danny and Ninja Brian jumped in shock, turning their full attention to the bag. A woman's voice called from it, "hey, you fucking idiots! You killed my body guard!"

"Who are you calling idiots?" Danny crossed his arms, pouting.

"It doesn't matter, my plan is ruined!" The woman continued.

"What plan? Maybe we can help. You see, we're two sexy heroes-" Danny began, before being interrupted, "ta-ta-ta, enough! Just pick me up and take me over to that boat by the dock. Maybe this could still work."

Danny looked at Ninja Brian, who shook his head. Danny had to shrug, "oh come on, let's just play along." Ninja Brian begrudgingly hoisted up the bag over his shoulder, causing the woman to go "oof!" as he walked out with Danny. The two made it over to the boat and untied the rope holding it to the dock. Soon they sailed down the Nile's smooth current.

"Where exactly are we going?" Danny asked, poking at the bag.

"To the Palace! We need to sneak inside. There are Romans all about who are guarding it." She replied.

"Romans? I thought we were in Egypt?" Danny pondered, causing Ninja Brian to smack him in the shoulder again.

"This is Egypt you nit! But Julius Caesar's army has invaded the city. He's here to avenge the death of his enemy, Pompey." The woman continued, "my idiot brother Ptolemy had him killed, probably trying to suck up to one of the most powerful men of Rome. Caesar didn't take too kindly to that, he wanted Pompey for himself."

"Damn, that's a crazy situation you got there." Danny responded, his curiosity growing. "And how is sneaking inside in a laundry bag going to help?"

"My body guard Apollodorus was going to smuggle me in, disguised as a fellow Roman janitor. But nooo, you just had to kill him!"

"It wasn't me! That was Ninja Brian, he's the one usually doing the killing." To that, Ninja Brian flashed a thumbs-up.

"It doesn't matter. I hope you can speak Latin and at least look like a Roman." The woman said.

"Ehhh… hang on one second." Danny ran to the other side of the boat and quickly took some of the clothing, creating a very crude outfit of a white toga. "There! Best disguise ever!" he proudly posed. Ninja Brian simply shook his head.

In time, the boat finally made it to the ports of Alexandria, the great Egyptian city. Hoisting the woman in the bag over his shoulder, Ninja Brian made his way through the city as Danny continued to over-act his role. They walked up to two very intimidating Roman guards holding spears.

"Halt! This palace is being occupied. State your purpose." One of them demanded.

"Greetingsus, fellowus Romanuses! Me llamo Dannius Sexbangius. Comment allez-vous?" Danny greeted.

The two guards were immediately confused.

"Weus areus herus, to deliverus, the laundry… us, of Julius Caesar. Hail Caesar!" Danny saluted.

One guard looked to the other, "they're just some crazy Jews, let them pass." The guards parted ways, and allowed the group to pass by them. Danny turned back quietly and sneered to himself, " _crazy_ _Jews_... what's with the tone? Our culture will far outlast yours you jerks."

"Don't take it too personally, we made it!" The woman cheered. "Just enter the palace and let me down. Julius Caesar should be inside."

Sure enough, he was inside, giving Ptolemy hell.

"How could you do this! He was _my_ enemy! Not yours! You had no right!" Caesar yelled, pounding his fist against a table. Young Ptolemy simply whimpered on his thrown, "I was just trying to help…"

"Help? HELP?! You little shit! You've royally soiled the name of the Ptolemies. And now you're going to pay!" Caesar continued.

Ptolemy gulped, "with blood?"

"What? No. With money. You forget Egypt has tremendous debts to pay. And I can only be patient for so long." Caesar took several threatening steps towards Ptolemy. "You're lucky I'm even speaking with you."

Danny and Ninja Brian entered the throne room, causing all the Romans in the room to go on alert.

"Caesar! Trespassers!" One of them shouted.

Julius Caesar turned towards the two and cocked an eyebrow. "You two are clearly not Romans. Who are you?"

"I'm glad to asked!" Danny ripped off his toga, revealing his shiny spandex suit, bulge and all. "I'm Danny Sexbang, the erotic. And this is Ninja Brian, he has an STD."

Pissed, Ninja Brian smacked Danny with the laundry bag, causing him to fall to the ground face first. The woman inside called out in pain. "AHH YOU FUCKIN PRICK!"

"There are three of you. Reveal yourself!" Caesar pointed to the bag. Ninja Brian, forgetting that a woman was inside, shyly set the laundry bag down on the ground. The bag opened, and with unprecedented grace emerged Cleopatra!

The room grew silent, as Caesar was in immediate shock. Ptolemy as well. Ninja Brian did a double take and hoisted Danny back up. Danny looked at the woman before him and his jaw dropped to the floor. "Uhh, Ninja Brian… my nose is bleeding, and it's not from the fall."

"Julius Caesar," Cleopatra began as she turned to her brother, glaring. "Ptolemy."

Ptolemy sunk in his chair; he knew that she wouldn't be happy to see him.

"Oh Caesar, I am here from afar. Here to return to my kingdom, my homeland. I wish to converse with you about the conflict." Cleopatra continued, giving a curtsey.

"Is that right? Well, I'm impressed at your… creative means of arriving here before me. Clearly you know what you're doing, unlike some people." Caesar responded, waving a dismissive hand to Ptolemy.

Caesar walked up to Cleopatra, who raised her arm so that he could place a kiss on her hand. "Do continue. I would love to hear what you have to say."

Ninja Brian nudged Danny's shoulder with his arm. Danny knew exactly what he was silently saying, "yeah I know Ninja Brian, that Caesar jerk is going to take my girl." Ninja Brian looked to him, gesturing in a WTF fashion. "Well, I mean… I guess technically I'm taking his girl. But no matter. I have to nip this in the bud before it grows further!"

As Caesar and Cleopatra conversed, and before Danny could step in, Ptolemy rose up out of his thrown and screamed, red face and all. "IT'S NOT FAIR! YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE YOU MEANIE SISTER!" he exclaimed, jumping up and down.

Cleopatra rolled her eyes and turned to Ptolemy. "Oh hush, you are powerless small child. Far from father's image of an ideal pharaoh. Just admit it, you have lost."

"NO! I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS!" Ptolemy ran out of the palace, towards a balcony, facing a growing crowd in the streets. "Everyone, everyone!" he called, "will you let a wrinkly ass old man and some bird-nosed bitch rule over your lives?!"

Many of the people in the crowd, fellow Macedonians like Cleopatra, booed and hissed at her mention. They didn't like her very much. Some of the other people in the crowd, indigenous Egyptians, shrugged and dismissed Ptolemy, they did like Cleopatra. Some of the Jewish people in the crowd didn't care either way. "Eh, politics, am I right?" one of them said.

Caesar, Cleopatra, Danny, and Ninja Brian ran outside and confronted Ptolemy. "Knock it off Ptolemy!" Cleopatra yelled. Caesar simply walked up to Ptolemy and bound his arms together, "you're under arrest for being a thorn in my side." "You can't do that!" Ptolemy struggled, "I am a pharaoh in my own kingdom! Fuck you!"

Seeing this, much of the crowd started to riot. Thinking quickly, Danny turned to Caesar and Cleopatra and pulled out his guitar, "don't worry guys, we got this!"

Danny and Ninja Brian jumped from the balcony in the front of the crowd.

"Hey now everyone! There's no need to riot! Not when you have the power of MUSIC!"

With that, he calmly strummed his guitar.

 _Her hair glows a beautiful auburn glow,_

 _Her face sports a nose that points real low,_

 _She's poised and perfect and magnific,_

 _How could you not like this pretty chick?_

Dan strummed his guitar faster as Ninja Brian pulled out his keyboard as he added rhythm.

 _OOHHH OOHHH OOHHH_

 _She's Cleopatra!_

 _OOHHH OOHHH OOHHH_

 _You fuckin' betcha!_

 _OOHHH OOHHH OOHHH_

The crowd slowly calmed and listened along with that the strange shiny man had to say.

 _She enters a room and shuts the whole place up,_

 _Debates are handled quickly,_

 _She lays the truth with an iron fist,_

 _No way things are ending fickly._

People begin shaking their heads in understanding, liking what they're hearing.

 _Just ask yourself this simple question,_

 _As you worry for your nation and people,_

 _Would you rather have a strong and intelligent girl?_

 _Or this little fucking whiny creeple?_

Ptolemy: hey!

 _OOHHH OOHHH OOHHH_

 _She's Cleopatra!_

 _OOHHH OOHHH OOHHH_

 _You fuckin' betcha!_

 _OOHH OOHHH OOHHH_

 _Cleopatra!_

With the song coming to an end, the crowd began to cheer as Cleopatra and Caesar looked on in amazement. These two strange… strangers had effectively calmed a crowd and granted Cleopatra all the support she needed.

She ran down towards Danny and Ninja Brian, with Caesar in tow.

"Daniel Sexbang. Ninja Brian." She called, causing the two to turn around and give her their full attention. "You two are clearly special. I would like for you two to be part of my court. How does that sound?"

Danny stammered for a bit, before Ninja Brian smacked him in the head. "That sounds fucking awesome! Yeah!"

"Excellent." Cleopatra smiled.

Julius Caesar turned to Potheinos, Ptolemy's regent (because Ptolemy's just a boy, you think his dad would really let him rule this early?). "Potheinos, take this little parasite to his room. Put him on time out." He demanded.

"Yes. Hail Caesar!" Potheinos replied, taking Ptolemy gently towards the palace.

"This isn't over! You big-cheeked bastard!" Ptolemy yelled as he was taken away.

"Aww, give him his teddy bear before he gets cranky." Cleopatra mockingly cooed.

"Fuck you!" He called, before the palace door closed behind him.

"Well then, that's settled. We shall return to the palace discuss things further. I have recently come across your father's will." Caesar said, gesturing everyone to follow him.

…

 _ **TO BE CONTINUED!**_


	2. Act 2 - Toe-to-Toe with Ptolemy

**Act 2**

It turns out that Cleopatra's father, Ptolemy (same name, different person: this happened a lot) had wanted both Ptolemy and Cleopatra to rule together as joint heirs when he died. However, everyone agreed that the young Ptolemy was unfit to rule (clearly) and so Cleopatra was given total control of Egypt. "But wait narrator" you may be asking "didn't Cleopatra have other siblings who would eventually rule alongside her?" Why yes, yes she did. But let's not worry about that shit. Moving on!

Danny and Ninja Brian were sitting inside the palace, hanging out and admiring the interior décor, when Cleopatra walked up to them.

"Greetings Daniel Sexbang." Cleopatra said, then turning to the other hero. "Greetings Ninja Brian."

Ninja Brian simply nodded.

"You can just call me Danny, if you wish your majesty." Danny blushed, looking down at the ground.

Cleopatra smirked and lifted Danny's chin with her hand so he was facing her. "Okay… Danny."

Danny grew redder, before Ninja Brian snapped him out of it with a smack.

"You two have quite a musical talent. Danny, did you really mean all those things you said about me?" Cleopatra asked, sitting beside the two.

"Of course I did! Every last word." Danny happily replied, grinning.

"That's awfully sweet of you." Cleopatra smiled, "Listen, for all that has happened to bring me control of Egypt, I appreciate all of your help. I'm sorry for insulting you two earlier."

"Don't sweat it." Danny accepted, followed by Brian giving a thumb up.

Danny had to ask, "so if you were supposed to rule with your brother, why weren't you in Egypt to begin with?"

"Well I was," Cleopatra began, "we had dreams of being pharaohs for years. We studied at the best universities. But somewhere down the line, Ptolemy changed. He wanted the kingdom for himself and had me banished when I tried to confront him."

"That's fucked." Danny commented, "well, at least we don't have to worry about him anymore."

"…yeah." Cleopatra frowned, to which Danny placed his hand on her shoulder. "Hey, are you going to be okay? He is family after all; you two grew up together. I can imagine how hard this is for you," he said, giving her a sympathetic look.

"I'm sure I will. Thank you for your concern." Cleopatra replied softly.

The two shared a small moment, when Julius Caesar ran into the room with another man who appeared to have been slightly beaten up. "Cleopatra," Caesar calmly explained, "we have a serious concern."

"What's wrong?" she called, Danny, Ninja Brian, and her all rising out of their seats.

"Go on, explain." Caesar ushered the man forward, who frantically waved his hands as he spoke. "It's Ptolemy! He's raised an enormous army! There are so… so many! He… he sent me here against my will… I… I'm just a farmer… I…"

"Hey dude, it's alright." Danny interjected, "we're not gonna hurt you."

"Right. You're doing a great service to your pharaoh by just being here. Continue, please." Cleopatra added, waving an encouraging arm to the man.

He sighed, before continuing, "he's going to run a siege on Alexandria. He'll be here within the hour!"

"Damn! How has this boy arranged such an army? How did he even escape his room?" Caesar pondered, pacing. "I instructed Potheinos to watch him."

"That's just it, Sir. He was there alongside him!" The man specified. "I looks like we were betrayed."

"Double damn!" Caesar clenched his fist.

Cleopatra walked up to Caesar, "I never did trust Potheinos. He didn't seem to like me all that much."

"You there, farmer, how many men do they have?" Caesar turned and pointed to the man, who flinched slightly.

"20,000 strong!" he exclaimed.

"Triple damn! I only brought 4,000 troops." Caesar grunted.

"And there's no doubt that Ptolemy's army is essentially my army. I have no reinforcements to help." Cleopatra added, placing a finger to her worried mouth.

Danny and Ninja Brian simply looked at each other and nodded.

"Well… maybe we can help?" Danny suggested.

Caesar and Cleopatra turned to them.

Caesar chuckled mockingly, "What in Pluto are you two going to do? Sing them a lullaby? Scare them with an idiotic dance? HA!"

"Knock it off Caesar." Cleopatra glared. Caesar cocked an eyebrow at her.

"While we do enjoy rocking the fuck out on occasion, we happen to be trained in the art of ninja-kickassery, from the far away land of Japan!" Danny explained, as Brian posed dynamically.

"Japan? Never heard of it." Caesar commented.

"That's not important. What we're basically saying is that we can help take these guys on! Ninja Brian alone is notorious for murdering tens of thousands of people. It's actually a serious problem that I just can't seem to fix." Danny turned to Ninja Brian, who flicked him off, "and apparently never will."

"If you think your expertise in combat will be sufficient to aid in Caesar's army, then I give my full support to you both." Cleopatra smiled, performing a small Egyptian blessing, "may you fight bravely and with honor."

"Hell yeah!" Danny and Ninja Brian gave their special secret handshake.

"Ugh, very well. Let's prepare for battle. Follow me." Caesar started walking off, waving a hand in his direction. Cleopatra waved as Danny (waving back happily) and Ninja Brian followed the Roman dictator.

…

At the brink of the attack, Ptolemy and Potheinos arrived at Alexandria's doorstep with a massive army of Macedonian soldiers. The streets cleared out quickly as locals ran into their homes in fear. Opposite of this army was Caesar and his troops, with Danny and Ninja Brian standing alongside him. There was an air of silence as the two armies faced each other in the streets.

Ptolemy sneered a nasty sneer as he broke the silence by yelling out to Caesar, "hey dick head! I told this wasn't over!"

"You were not smart enough to have come up with this plan. I know that Potheinos is pulling your strings. How could you do this to us, Potheinos!" Caesar called back.

"Cleopatra is unfit to rule, and your backing of her royal crown will doom Egypt and her legacy. This must be stopped." Potheinos replied.

"You're a regent for a child!" Caesar exclaimed, "By that very fact Ptolemy is unfit to rule! I will give you one chance to surrender."

"Hmm, let me think about it." Ptolemy coyly spoke, before turning around and mooning Caesar's army. "Eat my shit you stinky Roman!"

"Damn." Danny commented to himself.

Shaking in contained anger, Caesar called out to his troops, "men… ATTACK!"

Trumpets blared as the two armies charged towards each other. Being a Roman army, the small legion of troops was arranged into cohorts that were organized, so that no one could be picked out. With spears and shields, they braced for the impact of Ptolemy's army, which ran at them frantically.

Caesar turned to Danny and Ninja Brian, giving an unsure look. "Are you both sure you don't need armor? Or weapons for that matter?"

"Don't need it. Our awesomeness is enough." Danny smirked. Turning to Ninja Brian, who cracked his neck and took a strong stance. "You ready, best buddy?"

Blue and yellow light emanated from Ninja Brian's feet as he absorbed an intense amount of energy. Moving up his body, the light-show climaxed as Ninja Brian's eyes began to glow. Caesar backed up as the ninja flashed brightly and, with a determined glare, fired a massive laser beam into Ptolemy's approaching army. The dust cleared to reveal that a hundred men had been obliterated in that straight shot.

Ptolemy and Potheinos looked from their vantage point in shock. "No fair!" Ptolemy complained.

"Let's go!" Danny and Ninja Brian ran off into the crowd as the two armies collided in a ferocious attack. Ptolemy's troops viciously smacked their swords, spears, and scythes at the Roman cohorts, who braced their impacts and placed coordinated attacks on the men.

Ninja Brian, recovering from his attack, proceeded to dodge attacks and stab as the soldiers with his knife. Danny whipped out his guitar and managed to smack several of Ptolemy's men out cold with it. Seeing an opportunity, he started playing.

 _A deep, dark day in a dry, bright sky,_

 _A slashing sword and soldier's cry._

Danny jumped over an incoming soldier and landed a swift kick to the back of his head. He turned and kicked away another one.

 _An anguished boy and a jealous soul,_

 _A frantic plot to gain control,_

 _Of a magic land and a magic throne,_

 _Siblings torn by a chiseled stone._

Danny knocked out two more soldiers as Ninja Brian noticed that his friend didn't notice the large soldier approaching from behind. Wide-eyed, Ninja Brian picked up a dead-soldier's spear and launched it, landing between the soldier's eyes. Danny turned and yelped, noticing the save. He raised his fist in the air for Ninja Brian, who raised it back, stabbing some more soldiers to the side.

 _Whether tens or hundreds or thousands strong,_

 _An army's not complete without a battle song,_

 _We'd rather fight than weep and flee,_

 _We're toe-to-toe with Ptolemy!_

In all the commotion, Potheinos made sure to keep Ptolemy safe. He managed to lead him away from the main battle and towards the side-lines. Caesar noticed this and followed them.

The two managed to find a small boat along the Nile. "You stay here," Potheinos said, "I'll fight for you, the rightful ruler of Egypt."

"Thank you." Ptolemy politely replied, taking a blanket and covering himself.

Turning away from the boy, Potheinos pulled out a concealed sword and entered back into the battle. He managed to take out several Roman soldiers, and soon found himself facing Julius Caesar.

"Caesar!" he called, as the Roman pulled out his own sword.

"Potheinos… nice of you to finally join us. I will enjoy killing you."

"I'm afraid it will not be me who will die today. I'll clean your head from your shoulders, just like I did to that dumpy Roman consul."

Caesar gasped, clenching his sword in anger.

"You… you killed Pompey! He was not yours to destroy!" Caesar yelled.

"And Egypt was not yours to meddle with! But I guess that's business as usual for a Roman dictator who only wants land and power. You _will_ be stopped." Potheinos steadied his sword and charged at Caesar. The two dueled intensely.

 _The battle reigned in a frantic daze,_

 _Bloodied soldiers in a frenzied craze._

 _All is at stake and all is at risk,_

 _All you can find in a Roman fisc._

 _Will anyone bend, will anyone flee?_

 _We're toe-to-toe with Ptolemy!_

By this point Danny and Ninja Brian has killed thousands of Ptolemy's soldiers, and Caesar's troops had managed to make sizable dents as well. The rival army did not expect things to turn this direction, and before long many of the soldiers started to flee the battle.

Ninja Brian soon found his strength and began to charge again. The soldiers began to take notice.

"That masked man is about to attack again!" They cried, "let's get the fuck out of here!"

Potheinos watched as hundreds of his men began to retreat, some of them screaming like babies.

"Wait! Stay and fight for the rightful pharaoh of-" before Potheinos could finished, Caesar has landed a clean slice across his neck!

"Oh… ouch." Potheinos spoke.

"Yeah." Caesar replied.

"That hurt much more than I expected."

"Yep. Bye bye now."

With a thud, Potheinos' head fell to the ground.

Ninja Brian's laser was charged, and with a mighty heave, he launched it at the retreating army. Danny cheered as a huge cloud of smoke bellowed from the remains of the charred soldiers.

Ptolemy peered from his boat as several of his surviving soldiers ran up to Caesar, Danny, and Ninja Brian, getting on their knees and raising their hands, swords and scythes falling to the ground. "We surrender! We surrender!" they screamed, "don't blast us!"

"Heh, that's what she said." Danny snickered.

Ptolemy found an opening where he could potentially apprehend Caesar and, picking up a hoe that he found in the boat, he charged at Caesar.

"This is where you die, Roman! The kingdom is mine!" he yelled.

Before anyone else could react, Ninja Brian simply chucked his knife and managed to snag Ptolemy in the chest.

"Dude!?" Danny exclaimed with a horrified expression.

Ninja Brian shrugged as Ptolemy fell to the ground, dead.

Julius Caesar, now very impressed, turned to Danny and Ninja Brian. "Well then. An entire army defeated in a single afternoon? Well done. Well done indeed. I underestimated you both, even if you are very strange men."

"And sexy, don't forget sexy." Danny added.

"Ah… sure, whatever." Caesar rolled his eyes.

 _To be continued!_


	3. Act 3 - Don't Be Sad, Let's Fuck

**Act 3**

…

The celebration proved to be a short one. After Cleopatra greeted everyone with cheer and praise, Julius Caesar approached her and explained the entire battle and the demise of Ptolemy. She attempted to be strong, but ultimately teared up and left for her room in sadness.

"Cleopatra, wait!" Caesar called to no avail.

Danny noticed this and walked up to Caesar, "I'll go talk to her. She told me about her complicated relationship with her brother."

"Very well." Caesar replied, quietly confused by Danny's quick reaction.

As Danny left, Caesar turned to find Ninja Brian, who wasted no time being pampered by Cleopatra's servants. Cocking an eyebrow, Caesar chuckled and walked up to the ninja.

"I never did thank you for saving me. Surely the boy wouldn't have harmed me severely, but I can never be too careful out on the battlefield. You know those Macedonians… they never give up without a fight. I owe you my life." Caesar said, giving a slight bow before Ninja Brian, who simply gave a thumb's up.

"I don't suppose you could give me some lessons on your fighting style. Especially that… bright rod of light… thing… you did?" Caesar asked.

Ninja Brian gave Caesar a deadpanned look, and the Roman Consul simply held up his hands.

"I get it: that's asking too much."

…

Danny quietly knocked on the door to Cleopatra's room, where he found her sitting by an open window, holding a scroll with a portrait of Ptolemy and her as children. She observed the scroll with a reserved silence, as small tears streamed down her face.

"Umm, Cleopatra? May I come in? It's Danny." Danny respectably asked.

Cleopatra simply waved him inside, not looking his way. Taking care, he approached her and took a seat beside her.

"Is there anything that I can do for you, your majesty?" Danny continued, looking at her softly.

Sighing, she finally turned to him. "I didn't have to end this way. I was so sure that I could make peace with my brother. But now he's gone, and it seems that he was beyond saving. It saddens me greatly."

Danny frowned and held his hands together, contemplating. "You know, but I've been in many similar situations before."

"Really?" Cleopatra asked, staring at Danny with wide eyes.

"Oh yes! One time, I was trying to impress this girl by telling her that I slayed a dragon."

"A… dragon? Dragons don't exist."

"I know, but it still sounded really cool! Anyway, I asked this random guy I knew if he could dress up and pretend to be the dragon that I slew. So that way the girl could see that I wasn't lying!"

"But you were lying. And why would you ask someone to dress up as a dead dragon? Why not just bring the costume with you to show her?"

"Granted… it wasn't a good plan."

"Clearly." Cleopatra started laughing.

Blushing with embarrassment, Danny shook his head. "Anyway… long story short, she was not impressed, and the guy ended up leaving with her."

"Okay. And how is this the same as my brother betraying me?"

"Well, what I'm trying to say is, sometimes you think you know someone and you trust them, but then they turn out to be not what they seem. And you're left wondering how you couldn't see their betrayal coming. Do you see what I mean?"

"Not really. Considering that you knew this man for only a short time. For all you know, he only had his best interests at heart and only helped you to achieve them. Your analogy is confusing and misplaced." Cleopatra chuckled, shaking her head.

Danny grumbled, even more embarrassed than before. He looked down at the floor and let his arms fall to his sides. "I'm sorry, it's hard to relate to a pharaoh."

Cleopatra smiled and took Danny's right arm. The two locked eyes.

"I sincerely appreciate your attempt to bring me happiness. It's nice to have someone on my court who cares. And I mean really cares. You're… genuine." Cleopatra explained.

"I do care about you. A lot." Danny admitted.

The two shared each other's company for quite some time. When they returned to the main hall, they found Julius Caesar surrounded by several Roman soldiers. They were at a table, going over several maps and paperwork. Ninja Brian was meditating, two middle fingers in the air.

Caesar noticed Cleopatra and got up from his seat. "Ah! Cleopatra! It is good to see you."

"It's good to see you too." Cleopatra greeted back, "what are you all working on?"

"Now that the siege is over, I have to attend to some more duties. The Republic is continuing to grow, and the situation in Asia is growing severe. I fear that trouble may be upon me there. And Hispania is no better. I have quite a lot to deal with right now." Caesar explained, placing some fingers to his temple in frustration.

"I'm sorry to hear that. The responsibility of ruling over lands is a heavy one." Cleopatra replied.

"Indeed it is. Indeed it is." Caesar agreed, nodding his head. "I'm afraid it will be a while. I understand you wished to show me around the kingdom. That will have to wait for now."

"That's alright, Caesar. I was actually thinking of taking Danny this time." Cleopatra assured, placing a hand on Danny's shoulder. He grinned in response.

"You're taking him? Really? Surely he has seen Alexandria before." Caesar questioned, his hands on his hips.

"I'm actually not from here. Ninja Brian and I were actually just passing through before we stumbled across Cleopatra." Danny specified, "from what I've seen, it's an impressive city."

"And I'm sure there will be another time to take you, Caesar. But you are clearly busy. You don't mind me spending some time with Danny, do you?" Cleopatra questioned, happy as ever.

Caesar paused, before sitting back down. "No. Not at all. Please enjoy your time Cleopatra. And you too, Daniel Sexbang." He sternly said.

"Great! I'll go get ready. Please meet me by the pleasure barge." Cleopatra turned to Danny as she walked off to her room.

"Will do!" Danny cheered, running towards his friend. "Hey Ninja Brian! You hear that? A pleasure barge! You wanna come?"

Ninja Brian opened his eyes, looked at Danny, and placed a single finger to his covered mouth.

"I got it. You're busy. No sweat! Take it easy, buddy." Danny shrugged, before heading outside.

Caesar's eyes followed Danny closely, giving him a quiet glare.

…

Cleopatra's pleasure barge was a fantastic boat if Danny's ever seen one. It was much bigger than Ninja Brian's yacht (well, we all know it wasn't really his, but what Ninja Brian wants, Ninja Brian gets). It was big enough to house a several rooms, but Cleopatra and Danny spent most of their time on the promenades, her servants attending to their needs. Thankfully, the day was very clear and calm, and everyone was outside working and playing.

Danny and Cleopatra rested their arms against the railing as they watched several ancient temples and buildings.

"You know Danny, some of these structures are remarkably old. They predate my family's rule over this land and predate Alexander of Macedon himself. And yet they've remained steadfast and strong." Cleopatra described, "I've always admired that. A good leader must be strong too, so that when their time has passed, their legacy can be respected and honored, just like these monuments."

Danny smiled deeply as he watched Cleopatra explain her world. It was funny: him and Ninja Brian traveled back in time for some epic shagging, but instead they found themselves valued coworkers for a lost kingdom! Fighting in a great battle and defeating a plot to destroy a government! And that was just on a Tuesday!

Cleopatra soon noticed her partner's gaze. "Do you see something you like?" she smirked.

Danny snapped out of it. "Oh! I'm sorry for staring! I mean no disrespect, I just… I just love how you speak. You always know the right thing to say. It's awesome."

"You're too kind, Danny," Cleopatra replied, "I have often been told such. This role as pharaoh means so much to me. I have a real chance to make a difference for others, and to make a good name for Egypt. She has had enough troubles."

"Well, with you at the helm, Egypt will definitely be alright." Danny said.

Cleopatra blushed at that and the two turned back towards the sights.

As they passed several farming villages, Cleopatra moved her hand and rested it on top of Danny's. Seeing this, his cheeks grew red. The two made eye contact yet again.

"Wow." Cleopatra spoke, "your eyes…"

"You're so beautiful." Danny commented back.

Without skipping a beat, the two kissed. And that was the only thing they focused on.

…

Caesar spend many hours strategizing with his soldiers, while Ninja Brian quietly meditated nearby. He was not especially concerned with what was occurring at the table. He didn't have to be. Who cares about some political shit? It wasn't Ninja Brian's problem. One thing, however, ended up catching his attention.

"I'm growing more and more concerned about Pharnaces. He is conquering Roman occupied lands in Asia." Caesar commented. "We should really be focusing our efforts there."

"Does that mean we would have to leave Alexandria for the time being?" one soldier said.

"You could take advantage of our army." Another added.

"That is true. I do not doubt the legitimacy of our army, I assure you all, but this is not some out-of-touch little boy we're dealing with. Pharnaces is a monarch, with Greek and Persian forces at his disposal. He will not go down easily." Caesar explained.

"Perhaps we could… utilize the ninja." One of the soldier's piped up, nodding his head towards the meditating Ninja Brian.

"His powers are impressive. Since he will not teach me his techniques, we could just use him to aid in our battle. We would defeat Pharnaces quickly and secure Asia for Rome." Caesar replied. "I like this plan. But that relies on the cooperation of the ninja. He seems to work alone, or at least follows the lead of that idiotic man, Daniel Sexbang."

"Daniel is an accomplished warrior, Caesar. Surely you do not mean that?" A soldier asked.

"As long as that man continues to work for Cleopatra, I worry that he will remain an ever-present threat to Rome. I have managed to gain favor with Cleopatra – she is an accomplished queen – but let's say that he gains a lust for power. With him and the ninja's powers, and Cleopatra's political style, we could potentially see a powerful enemy that could bring Rome to its knees." Caesar elaborated.

Standing up, he gave a stern look towards his soldiers. "We need to keep an eye on him, closely."

Ninja Brian glared through the opening of his mask as Danny and Cleopatra entered the room from their voyage. Hand in hand, they walked up to Caesar and his soldiers, happy as ever.

Taking notice, Caesar walked past the table and confronted Danny and Cleopatra, making sure his suspicion was hidden. "Greetings Cleopatra. Daniel. How was your trip down the Nile?"

"It was wonderful." Cleopatra replied, "the day was splendid, and so many people came to the water's edge to greet us!"

"There's some fucking beautiful places here. We should have come by sooner!" Danny added, squeezing Cleopatra's hand. She blushed at the thought.

"You two have been spending quite a bit of time together. Try to save her for the rest of us." Caesar said, cocking an eyebrow at Danny.

Shrugging, Danny chuckled, "what can I say? She's really cool."

"You worry about trivial things Caesar. How has business been going?" Cleopatra asked, changing the subject.

"Troublesome my dear. A rival of mine, Pharnaces II, is threatening my kingdom. I'm afraid I must make a journey to Asia to confront him. Should everything go well, I will return to Rome for a short while." Caesar explained, now turning his full attention to Cleopatra. "I would be honored if you could join me. Asia and Rome are splendid places, and I would love to share their beauty with you."

"My, I'm flattered by your offer. Will Danny be joining us?" Cleopatra responded, to which Caesar threw up his hands in disgust. "Seriously?! What do you see in him?! This moppy-haired, sequin-wearing freak?!"

Taken aback, Danny held out his hands, "what the fuck is your problem dude?"

"Dude?" Caesar cocked an eyebrow.

"You are being insufferable, Caesar!" Cleopatra yelled, pointing a finger at his chest. "How dare you speak about him like that?! How dare you speak to _ME_ like that?!"

"My lady, I only have your best interests at heart." Caesar replied, "if you associate yourself with this man, he will be a bad influence on you! He clearly lacks the knowledge or ability to be a member of your court, and he is certainly not qualified given his… foreign nature."

"Danny cares about me tremendously! That's enough as far as I'm concerned. Who I have in my court is none of your business! Need I remind you that you are a guest in my kingdom, and a foreigner as well?" Cleopatra said, bearing her teeth in anger.

Having enough, Caesar collected his scrolls and prepared to make it way out of the room. He gave one last look at Cleopatra before leaving and said, "you are a disgrace to yourself and your kingdom. Shame on you, Cleopatra. Shame on you."

With that, he left the room, his soldiers in tow.

Cleopatra huffed and clenched her fists at the Roman consul, before dropping to her knees and sobbing profusely. She held her face in her hands. Danny got down and comforted her as best he could. Ninja Brian walked up to the two, and placed a hand on her shoulder, closing his eyes.

"Don't listen to that guy, Cleopatra. His name rhymes with geezer! You shouldn't take him seriously." Danny said, comforting her. "You're better than him."

Cleopatra looked up at Danny, cheeks stained with eyeliner.

 _Dear Cleo, sweet Cleo. Never doubt that you're so amazing._

 _Your power, your charm. So many things that I find myself praising._

Danny continued to sing as Cleopatra took his outstretched hand, and he rose up with her gently. Ninja Brian began adding a tune with his keyboard.

 _You're a queen of a kingdom that is so grand,_

 _A bright beacon in an oasis of wind and sand,_

 _You rule the Nile which runs off to the blue sea,_

 _It feeds your people and it fills their lives with much glee,_

 _So don't feel down when a grumpy man berates you,_

 _You're kind and sweet and pretty, and that is absolutely true._

Danny spun Cleopatra around elegantly. She looked at him with an increasingly relaxed expression. Whenever Danny sang, people listened. She was transfixed.

 _I look at you, and I'm just star struck._

 _So don't be sad, girl._

 _Let's fuck._

Ninja Brian's tune increased in frequency as Cleopatra, giggling, led Danny away to her bedroom. He wasted no time ripping off his spandex suit. Even though his chest had already been exposed, the sight of Danny's body aroused her. She pushed him onto her well-made bed, and sensually removed her robes, revealing red linen underwear. Delighted, Danny gave a thumbs-up.

 _Ohhh yeahh,_

 _There's no way I'm feeling homesick._

 _Ohhh yeahh,_

 _When my girl is looking extra thick._

 _When you and I collide, we can do anything,_

 _Though right now that ass is making me sing._

Cleopatra threw off her diadem, letting her auburn hair flow down. "Let's see if the great Daniel Sexbang lives up to his name."

"Girl, you're about to meet the eighth wonder of the world." Danny smirked.

 _I'm glad you're not sad,_

 _Let's fuck._

…

 _To be concluded!_


	4. Act 4 - What's 2000 Years Between Lovers

**Act 4**

…

After a super fantastic night of boning, the rays of the sun spilled into the bedroom as Danny and Cleopatra awoke in each other's arms. Danny was super happy, not simply because his goal was achieved, but because he found someone he truly cared about.

"Good morning, lovely." Danny greeted.

"Good morning, Danny." Cleopatra cupped his face and planted a kiss.

The two stretched and emerged from the bed, getting dressed and exiting the room hand-in-hand.

"And good morning to you, ninja-buddy!" Danny saluted, expecting a friendly middle-finger in his direction, but to his surprise there was none. The room was empty, save for Cleopatra's servants.

"Have any of you seen Ninja Brian?" Cleopatra asked the women, who bowed and replied, "we have not your majesty. We have not seen him for many hours."

"Well, he is a ninja: I don't expect anyone to suspect where he is. He's probably practicing his skills. Let's search around! I have just the thing to get him out of hiding." Danny suggested, pulling out a teddy bear.

The two split up, looking all around the palace.

"Oh Ninja Brian! I have your favorite toy! Sir Stabbington!" Danny called, but there was no response and certainly no flying daggers in his direction.

Cleopatra rounded of the massive columns and found a lonely portable piano. There was a piece of parchment attached to it.

"Danny!" she called, picking up the instrument.

He ran over and gasped, "that's Ninja Brian's piano! He never leaves home without it!"

"There's a note." Cleopatra pulled off the paper as she handed the piano to Danny. "It reads, "Dear Cleopatra (and dumbass Danny) …"

"Hey!" Danny exclaimed.

She continued "... Despite your terrible decision to make a home for this ridiculous human being, I cannot deny that his ninja friend is useful and highly skilled in the art of warfare. That is why I have taken him with me to use as my personal weapon. I assure you he is in good hands, and mark my words, when the time is right, I will be back to claim Egypt for Rome. You had your chance. Signed, Gaius Julius Caesar, Dictator of the Roman Republic."

"Are you serious?!" Danny yelled, "That fat-headed jerk! There's no way in hell that Ninja Brian went down without a fight. There should be piles of bodies!" Indeed, this area of the palace was spotless.

"There's no sign of a struggle. Do you think he went willingly?" Cleopatra asked.

"Ninja Brian goes everywhere with me. I'm like the only person he likes, and he has tried to kill me multiple times." Danny explained.

"Then they must have snuck up on him and incapacitated him." Cleopatra suggested, to which Danny shook his head, "I highly doubt it, but the evidence seems compelling. The only way to truly find out is to go after them."

"Julius Caesar said he was going to Asia, we can take my boat and sail there within two days." Cleopatra planned, "he took all of his papers, but I can work around to find the exact routes."

"Asia? Holy shit! It's gonna take years to find him!" Danny complained, grabbing his hair.

Cleopatra cocked an eyebrow, "it shouldn't take _that_ long. It's not a large place." She snapped her fingers, ushering a servant to bring her a map of the world. Opening it, she pointed out the location to Danny. What was called "Asia" during this time referred to a Roman Province in modern-day Anatolia.

"Oh, I know that place. That's Turkey." Danny commented.

"What? No, that's Asia."

"Never mind." Danny waved his hand.

"Well, we have our destination. Let's go save our friend!" Cleopatra cheered.

…

Ninja Brian awoke, more groggily than usual. He attempted to move his arm but found that it was bound in iron chains. They seemed to be very secure, surprisingly for the ninja. He realized that he was in a perforated iron-box, suspended by chains. The perforations in the box were just big enough for him to see outside, and it looked like he was in a Roman building.

Hearing footsteps, he glared through the hole in his mask. Julius Caesar walked in, sided by four soldiers.

"You're finally awake. Valerian makes for a quick sedative." Caesar greeted, checking his nails.

Ninja Brian simply stared at him, intensely.

"I'm going to be blunt: I need you. You are without a doubt one of the most ferocious beings I have come across in my travels. Enough to make the biggest, toughest Celtic warriors shit themselves. That is why you are here: my new weapon." Caesar explained.

Now, I know what you're thinking. This is Ninja Brian we're talking about! He has the power to blow things up with his mind! Well, he knew that. And he seriously thought about it. But he figured he would play this out and see where it went. Deep down, however, he already missed Danny.

"You will become a servant of Rome and help us defeat our enemies. Your first target is Pharnaces: he's a king who is raging war against our province in Asia. If you do not fail me, and I know you won't, you will be heavily rewarded in gold and other precious metals. What do you say?" Caesar continued.

Ninja Brian didn't respond, and Caesar simply laughed in his face. "What am I talking about… you don't have a choice. But I assure you, this will be good for you. And you might just want to stay with us after all, instead of with that stupid man you call friend."

"Caesar! We have a problem!" One of his servants called out, running into the room. Julius Caesar turned to him and frowned, "well, out with it!"

The servant bowed, "We're dangerously low on supplies and our men are weak. I know it is not my place to make suggestions, but I think it would be best for all of us if we make a stop before heading to Asia."

Cowering, the servant continued to bow as Caesar marched up to him. It looked as if he was going to reprimand him, but instead he calmly motioned his hand upward, urging the servant to rise.

"Fear not, for you have given me a wonderful idea." Caesar commented, "while I would like the Asia situation dealt with as swiftly as possible, I do understand that my reputation among the Senate is lacking among some. Perhaps I can make myself truly known to them by presenting Ninja Brian. Perhaps even with a demonstration! Yes, I like that very much."

Caesar placed his hand on the servant's shoulder, giving him a determined expression, "let my men know that we're heading home." He turned to Ninja Brian, "and soon the world will truly know the power you possess."

…

Danny watched as Cleopatra readied her men for the trip. She was sure that they could hold their own against Caesar's armies, since she expected there to be a fight over Ninja Brian. Danny felt very worried about Ninja Brian, but knew he had to be strong for him, just as he knew that the ninja was being strong for Danny (as well as just strong in general).

"I didn't expect to be traveling like this… I wish it was on better terms." Danny said, holding tight to Ninja Brian's piano.

"Don't fret. My men are powerful, capable soldiers. And Ninja Brian can handle himself, even if he was captured." Cleopatra reassured, rubbing Danny's back. "We'll find him."

"Thank you, Cleo." Danny smiled, the two sharing a kiss.

The two entered the ship, flanked by guards, and set sail for Asia.

…

Back in Rome, three men were plotting beside the Theatre of Pompey, a large building for games and artwork. Word spread that Caesar was returning, following the arrival of a homing pigeon.

"We'll have to move forward with our plans." Cassius said.

"Quite right. Though this sudden turn of events may cause trouble for us." Decimus replied.

"It is no matter. Soon we will have order restored to Rome, and we can put this troubled period behind us." Added Brutus, pulling out a knife.

"Remember," Cassius spoke, "should anyone find out about this, we take our own lives instead."

…

The Mediterranean Sea was a bit rough as Cleopatra's ship traversed it. There was a small storm occurring at the moment, but it wasn't powerful enough to be of any worry. They had left only a few hours ago, and everyone was safe and dry inside.

Out of the blackness of the storm, a small pigeon tried to keep air born, but to no avail. Soon it found itself fluttering down onto the bow of the Egyptian vessel. A patrolling soldier took notice and gently scooped up the little bird. Attached was a small note.

"Cleopatra!" The soldier exclaimed, entering one of the rooms where Cleopatra and Danny were resting. "I found this animal outside the ship. The writing on the letters looks like Latin."

"Latin? Must be a Roman pigeon." Cleopatra ushered the soldier over, having the bird perch on her arm. She took the letter and unraveled it, amazed. "My word, it's from Julius Caesar!"

"Whoa, really? I wonder what it's doing here?" Danny questioned, trying to get a closer look.

Cleopatra read over the letter carefully, before standing up and calling everyone to attention. "We need to reroute to Rome immediately. Caesar is taking a detour before heading to Asia."

"Yes Cleopatra." Two soldiers saluted, before leaving the room.

"Well this is an unexpected turn of events. I never thought I'd be visiting Rome to soon." Cleopatra said, scratching her head.

"Did the letter say anything about Ninja Brian?" Danny asked.

"No, he must be keeping him a secret for some reason. No matter, at least we're not going to accidently end up somewhere we don't need to be." Cleopatra replied, "the trip will be a little longer, but knowing how much Caesar talks of his home country, he will likely stay there for a while."

"I just hope Ninja Brian is okay." Danny said to himself.

…

Having finally docked at Rome, Caesar paraded through the streets of the city, waving at the citizens who cheered at the return of their ruler. Unfortunately for Ninja Brian, his box was covered up by sheets, so his presence was unknown to everyone.

Soon Caesar made his way to the Theatre of Pompey. "Take the ninja and place him inside, we must prepare a demonstration for him. Be sure to send out word for the best warriors in the city, and make sure the lions and leopards are well fed. I want to make sure this is as spectacular as it can be."

Snickering, he lifted the sheet to give Ninja Brian another look. "And I'll see you later."

Ninja Brian simply flicked him off (as best he could) before Caesar covered him up again.

As he was preparing to leave, Decimus walked up to him and bowed. "Ahh, Caesar. Welcome back to Rome."

"It is good to be back Decimus. I would stay and chat, but I have some business to attend to."

"Actually, before you leave, I must ask… some of the other senators and I have a remarkable surprise for you, as a celebration for your return. If you can, could you be back here at the Theatre tonight, after dinner?"

"Well, that's ironic. I was preparing a surprise for you all there as well, for tomorrow. But I suppose I can drop by. I appreciate a good surprise." Caesar smiled, shaking Decimus' hand.

"You won't regret it. It will be a rather… sharp… treat for you." Decimus grinned.

…

After a hardy supper, Julius Caesar made his way towards the Theatre. After a long day of work, the night arrived quickly. Though tired, he figured he could humor the Senate for whatever surprise was planned for him. Probably a small party or something.

Unknown to Caesar, Ninja Brian spent much of the time meditating in the box. He had already broken his iron chains several hours ago, but he did it quietly enough for no one to notice. After he was placed in the Theatre, no one bothered to check up on him, not even to give him food. Thankfully, Ninja Brian could survive for a long while without meals. That's just how ninjas do.

Now that it was night, and no one appeared to be guarding his box, Ninja Brian ripped his way out with one hand. Stepping outside, he sensed someone approaching. He quickly ran behind a groomed tree and observed Julius Caesar enter the room.

"Hello? Decimus? Anyone? I'm here!" Caesar called, but there was no response. "I must be early. But he said after dinner…"

As Caesar spoke to himself, Ninja Brian crept up quietly from behind. When he was roughly seven feet away, Caesar felt his presence and turned swiftly. His eyes and mouth opened in shock as he stumbled slightly.

"How did you get out? You were bound with the strongest metal in the world!" Caesar exclaimed.

Ninja Brian simply glared at him.

"Now, now, don't get any ideas. You are still of value to me. Don't make a mistake you'll regret."

The ninja pulled out a knife and started slowly advancing on Caesar.

"You could rule side-by-side with me. We can conquer nations together! The world! Think about this!" Caesar began to back away.

Ninja Brian was not listening and continued to move towards him.

"Don't tell me you wouldn't prefer to live with me, instead of that mindless, unfashionable fool?!" Caesar yelled.

At that, Ninja Brian ran up to him and proceeded to stab him repeatedly. Julius Caesar collapsed onto the ground trying to shield his body as the ninja continued to stab him. After 23 hits, the Roman dictator was left on the ground, bleeding out profusely.

"First the Senate, then Cleopatra, and now… _Et tu, Brian_?" With that, Caesar lay there, dead.

Smiling to himself, Ninja Brian sniffed his knife and began to walk away, only to overhear many more voices coming his way.

"Since he's not outside, Caesar's probably inside waiting for us." "Good, now we can go forward with our plan and there will be no suspicion from neighbors." "Well, let's get on with it."

Ninja Brian stayed put, turning to look at Caesar's dead body. It seems that those men were planning to do something to Caesar, too.

A spectacular sight, thirty-three Roman senators entered the room, only to stop when they noticed Ninja Brian standing there.

"I say, who is that masked man?" Brutus asked, turning to the others.

"Reveal yourself!" Decimus called out.

And that's when Ninja Brian closed his eyes and started glowing brightly.

…

The night was almost over when Cleopatra's ship finally arrived in Rome. There they were greeted by several Roman soldiers as well as Mark Antony.

"Cleopatra, Pharaoh of Egypt, welcome to Rome." Mark greeted, bowing courteously before her. When he finally noticed Danny, he stared curiously. "And… who might you be, good sir?"

"Danny Sexbang, my dude." Danny smiled, waving.

"Daniel Sexbang, King of Spandex, welcome to Rome." Mark finished his official greeting, before growing a worried expression.

"I'm afraid you have come at a difficult time." Mark began, "I worry for Caesar's life. There are rumors of a plot to end his reign. I fear the worst."

"We are here to find Caesar, actually." Cleopatra responded, crossing her arms, "We suspect that he has kidnapped our friend, Ninja Brian."

"Ninja? Well, I do not know anything about that. But if he has acted out inappropriately towards Egypt, I can assure you we will sort this out. I understand he is hosting an event at the Theatre soon: it's almost dawn. I can take you to him."

The trio moved across the city as quick as they could, before long arriving at the Theatre's entrance. They entered the inside, prepared to face the Roman dictator.

"Julius Caesar! Where are—" Cleopatra started, before stopping in her tracks.

Danny entered behind her, finding Ninja Brian hanging out around a pile of burned bodies, as well as the reddened body of Caesar. Despite the carnage, he was ecstatic.

"Ninja Brian!" Danny cried, running up to his friend and giving him the biggest hug. Joyous (in his mind), he accepted, glad to be reunited with his best friend.

"What happened? Are you okay? Did he hurt you?" Danny spammed a million questions, before Ninja Brian simply held out a hand and motioned towards the bodies.

"Ohh… nice one." Danny said, high-fiving the ninja.

"What in the name of Venus' titties happened here?!" Mark Antony screamed, about to pull his hair out. "Why is Julius Caesar deceased?!"

"It looks like your leader may have been more than he seemed." Danny turned to him, "Ninja Brian explained everything to me."

"Wha? He didn't say anything." Mark replied.

"Trust me, he's a man of few words, but he can tell whole stories with one gesture. We're really close." Danny explained, as Ninja Brian nodded in agreement.

"Just what was Caesar planning?" Cleopatra asked.

"Well, I should clarify that he did kidnap Ninja Brian. He wanted to use him as a weapon to take down neighboring kingdoms and rule the world. He was gonna display him here at this place before setting off for Asia. Treat me buddy like some circus act." Danny described.

"That's why his letter said he was coming for Egypt… so he was going to betray me after the hospitality I gave him? Shame on him! Motherfucker." Cleopatra spat.

Mark Antony had to sit down, for he was in much shock. "I can't believe it… and I followed him to Gaul. I knew he was capable of such things, but I didn't believe he'd go this far. My service has been a lie." Mark covered his face in his hands.

"Dude, don't feel bad about that. Whatever horrible tasks Caesar commanded you to do, it's all over now. You're your own man." Danny comforted. "All this talk about ruling the world… there's better ways of spending your time."

Mark sniffed, "I guess you're right. But how am I going to break this to the Roman public? Caesar had many followers; they're not going to like hearing about how a mysterious man brutally murdered their leader… but just who are all these other bodies?"

Ninja Brian looked at Danny, shrugging.

"Looks like they're members of the Senate." Danny translated, to which Mark nearly fainted.

"It's been a long night. Let's clean this mess up, get some rest, and we'll sort things out in a couple hours. I know a thing or two about political controversies, I can help." Cleopatra supported Mark, who blushed at her touch.

…

It took a lot of work to explain to the Roman citizens what transpired that night. Rather than confess the truth, Cleopatra felt it best to ease tensions by telling the people (at the advice of Danny) that Julius Caesar decided to retire from ruling the Republic and went to live with alien babes on Jupiter. No one really understood what this really meant, but they figured that as long was Caesar was happy, they wouldn't mind. Mark Antony announced that he would work alongside Caesar's nephew Octavian and patrician named Marcus Lepidus to help deal with Rome's problems. Danny, Ninja Brian, and Cleopatra – their work completed – sailed back to Alexandria.

As they got off the boat, Cleopatra ran over to the pier and vomited.

"Holy shit! Are you okay?!" Danny called, running over to her and rubbing her back.

"I don't know… I feel strange." Cleopatra replied with a strained voice, "let's just go back to the palace. I need to rest."

"Of course, whatever you need." Danny said, supporting her shoulders.

"Thank you, Danny."

Hours passed as Cleopatra rested in her room, attended to by her servants. Danny and Ninja Brian sat back in the main hall, worried for their lady friend.

"I hope she's doing well." Danny bit at his nails, worried.

Ninja Brian placed a single hand on his shoulder, giving him a quiet look.

"Yeah, you're right."

After a few more minutes, a servant entered the hall. "Daniel Sexbang, Ninja Brian: Cleopatra requests your audience."

Giving each other a look, the two followed the girl into Cleopatra's room, where the pharaoh was sitting on her bed with a most pleasant expression.

"Thank you for being patient." Cleopatra commented, motioning them closer.

"Yeah, no problem!" Danny smiled, "you seem much better."

"I am. For I have wonderful news. Danny… I'm pregnant." Cleopatra beamed.

Ninja Brian nearly fell over backward (and he almost spoke too… almost). Danny had to do a double take. "Wait, are you serious?!" he asked.

Cleopatra giggled brightly, "yes! My heir has been conceived! You're going to be a father."

"This is… this is fuckin' awesome!" Danny cheered, running over to Cleopatra and sharing a passionate kiss with her. All the servants cooed, "aww!". Ninja Brian gave two thumbs up, and it looked like he was grinning under his mask.

"This calls for a celebration!" Cleopatra decreed, "we will feast tonight! Music! Games! This is the day that Egypt's future is secured!"

…

And the party was fantastic. Many of Egypt's citizens arrived to celebrate the continued rule of the Ptolemies. Danny and Cleopatra danced together, and Ninja Brian even found himself surrounded by exotic dancers (and he didn't complain at all). There was a lot of delicious looking food, and everyone ate very well. At one point, Danny even got to meet Cleopatra's crocodiles, who were trained and could perform tricks on command. All-in-all it was a pretty good night.

The following morning, Danny was sitting beside Cleopatra, petting her tummy. Ninja Brian was keeping busy by himself, he looked over to the couple and then at the palace as a whole. Something twanged inside him, and he calmly got up and went over to the two.

"What's up man?" Danny asked. "Is there anything we can help you with?" Cleopatra added.

Ninja Brian simply pointed at Danny.

"He wants to talk to me alone, do you mind?" Danny explained, turning to Cleopatra, who waved him off. "Not at all! I'll be right here." She smiled.

Danny followed Ninja Brian to another part of the grand hall. The ninja turned to Danny, giving a soft look towards him.

"What's on your mind, Ninja Brian?"

He simply continued to stare at him.

"What? Homesick? Are you sure?"

Ninja Brian nodded.

"Well… I can take you home if you like."

Ninja Brian's reached out and placed his hand on Danny's chest.

"You want me to come back with you? Dude… I don't know. I just found out I'm going to be a father. Cleopatra needs me. I need her… I… I love her."

Ninja Brian nodded, but still held his hand on his friend's chest.

"I love you too. You're my best friend."

Ninja Brian stood firm.

"Yeah… you're right. We are a team. And we have other duties as heroes." Danny sighed, for he knew that the answer would be obvious. He couldn't continue to work as Danny Sexbang as long as he was here, in a time in history so long ago. Other people needed him, too. It was a touch decision to make, regardless.

"Okay… I'll go talk with her. I'd do anything for you, buddy." Danny finally spoke.

Ninja Brian let him go and followed his friend as he made his way back to Cleopatra.

"Hey Cleopatra, we need to have a serious talk."

"What is it Danny?"

Danny sighed, "We haven't been fully honest with you. Well... we have been, but we haven't told you everything about us."

"Oh? I understand you are foreigners to Egypt, but you're right, you never told me where you two really came from." Cleopatra nodded, sitting up straight.

"You're not going to believe this, but… we're from the future." Danny went right out with it.

Cleopatra stared at him for a second, before laughing. "Your humor never fails you."

"I'm being serious, Cleopatra. Ninja Brian and I have visited you from 2,000 years in the future. We came here in a time machine!" Danny explained.

"I… I don't understand." Cleopatra spoke.

"We can take you to it, if it will help you understand." Danny offered.

…

After a quick ride up the Nile and a small trek through the desert, sure enough the time machine space-ship was still there, slightly covered in sand. Ninja Brian used a special move to blow the sand away, revealing the ship in all its glory. Cleopatra, with wide eyes, observed the machine closely, touching it and admiring the architecture. She turned to Danny and Ninja Brian.

"It's true." She gasped, "I cannot deny it. This is amazing."

"I imagine it is. You may not know what time-travel or space-ships are, but what's most important for you to know is that we're definitely not from here. We live in a future nation called the United States. There's a whole history there. But regardless…" Danny got down on his knees and took Cleopatra's hand as gently as he could. "I love you with all my heart and soul, but I cannot stay here with you forever. I have a home that I need to go too, a duty to the people of my time. I wish it didn't have to be this way but… Ninja Brian and I have to go back home."

Cleopatra stared at him, with an unreadable face.

"You must be so disappointed and angry with me. I don't want this to sound like I'm ditching you just after finding out you're pregnant. I'm so happy that I'm going to be a dad, I just- "

Before Danny could finish, Cleopatra dropped to the ground and enveloped Danny in a big, big hug. They remained together for a good solid two minutes, before Cleopatra, with tears in her eyes, kissed him.

"I do understand, Danny. I truly do. You have a duty to your people, just like I have a duty to mine. You are selfless and kind, and a beacon of light to all who need your help. If you must leave, I support you 100%." Cleopatra explained, comforting Danny with her hand in his curly hair.

"Thank you for listening to me… I had a wonderful time with you." Danny said.

"And I you."

"What about your baby? I wish I could do more."

"It's no trouble, Danny. I have some of the best caretakers in the kingdom. They'll be just fine."

"I promise, I'll come back and see you. No matter what." With that, Danny pulled out his guitar, and Ninja Brian his keyboard, for one final song.

 _Though Rome may fall, and the Han may too,_

 _And the Medieval world comes trudging through,_

 _Past the Maya and the Mongols and the Caliphates,_

 _The Renaissance shines and Newton validates,_

 _Our worlds may be far, and our times may be long,_

 _But what's 2,000 years between lovers?_

Danny took Cleopatra by the hand and spun her around as they danced together. Ninja Brian kept up the beat as the couple shared this time together.

 _The Americas are found and then run amuck,_

 _The Samurai come and leave Japan awestruck,_

 _There's a few World Wars, a couple Revolutions_

 _There's many paths, there's many solutions,_

 _But no matter what, our bond holds strong,_

 _What's 2,000 years between lovers?_

Danny and Cleopatra have one final kiss and one final hug, and with a strum of his guitar, Danny entered the spaceship with Ninja Brian.

Cleopatra waved as the two started up their ship and rode off into the sky, leaving a trail of white smoke that spelled out "I love you" followed by a heart and a winking face.

…

A year passed before Danny and Ninja Brian visited Ptolemaic Egypt again. They had their own year of fun adventures, and while there were plenty of ladies to tickle his fancy, Danny never forgot Cleopatra.

When he arrived back in Alexandria, Cleopatra was surprised and thrilled to see him again! And Danny finally got to meet his child, whom Cleopatra named Sexarion, after his father. Cleopatra explained that a few months after Danny and Ninja Brian left, Mark Anthony came to visit and offered to help her with Egypt's affairs. His reputation practically grew overnight, and soon the two grew very fond of each other. Given the distance in time, Danny totally understood and gave the two his full support. They all had a big feast and Danny got to play with his son. And Danny and Cleopatra were together again.

It was a fucking awesome time.

 _The end!_


End file.
